pjbabia Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alice29 Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 nice pjbabia, funny! B) One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem. His children were playing in the front yard in their pajamas. Inside the house the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel and the family room was strewn with toys. In the kitchen dishes filled the sink and breakfast food was spilled on the counter. The man headed up the stairs where he found his wife curled up in bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. He looked at her bewildered. "What happened here today?" he asked. She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?" "Yes," he replied. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pjbabia Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 I suggest to Admin, there will be another section for Jokes alone, so that Jokes thread can all be in the same section and every joke could have their own thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skylady Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 I suggest to Admin, there will be another section for Jokes alone, so that Jokes thread can all be in the same section and every joke could have their own thread. Thank you for the suggestion, but single threads for jokes is not needed now, as one Topic takes care of all of them, again, for the time being... We appreciate your input Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pjbabia Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 Thank you for the suggestion, but single threads for jokes is not needed now, as one Topic takes care of all of them, again, for the time being... We appreciate your input Okay no problem... A man in the movie house was enjoying watching a movie when suddenly he heard a voice behind him."Jasper!!!"the man turned his head to see who that was but he could not find someone. Later he heard that again: "Jasper!"He turned again to see who it was but still no one was there.For the third time he heard that again!... "JASPER!!!"He got annoyed finally on that voice. He stood up and yelled towards the direction where he heard the voice: "WHHO ARE YOU??? WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME JASPER?? MY NAME IS NOT JASPER! YOU FREAK!!"" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alice29 Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 nice pjbabia! :happy: This little boy was at school one day and had to use the bathroom really bad. So he raised his hand and told the teacher he had to use the bathroom really bad. She said ok well let me hear your ABC 'S first so he started saying them " A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y and Z and the teacher said that 's great but where 's the P at he said it 's running down my leg! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pjbabia Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 @alice, nice joke. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alice29 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother covered her face in cold cream. "Why do you do that?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful." When she began to rub it off, the boy asked, "Why are you doing that? Did you give up?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pjbabia Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 A man one day went to the lotto outlet to check if he have the correct winning combination. To his surprise, he won for the first time $5000 and was really shock to the maximum level when his mouth was torn towards his ears. He needed operation to get is fixed and healed. The operation was successful. When he asked the doctor how much he need to pay him, the doctor said that his bills is $8000. So he need another $3000 to pay the doctor completely. So he was shocked again and torn his mouth again. The operation was useless... Ahahahaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alice29 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 One day the kids in Ms. Evans science class was disagreeing with her. Ms. Evans was talking about evolution. Ms. Evans was and atheist so she didn't believe in God. Then Johnny raised his hand and said, "But I thought God created mankind?" Ms. Evans then replied, "Well can you see God?" "No." "Hear God?" "No." "Feel God?" "No." This went on for quite a while. "Well then God doesn't exist." Then Johnny whispered back to his friend Jimmy, "Can you see Ms. Evan's brain. No, so that must not exist." :smile: brain. No, so that must not exist." :smile: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alice29 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 The Magician and the Parrot A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?" :smile: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pjbabia Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alice29 Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 BAD DREAM Doctor, I had a terrible dream last night. What was that, Mr. Mariotti? I dreamed that I was at a Miss Universe pageant and was surrounded by spectacularly beautiful girls from all over the world, wearing skimpy bathing suits. Really? And what was bad about it? I was Miss Italy. :smile: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pjbabia Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 The man was standing in the hallway when someone asked him: "What time is it?" he replied: "same as yesterday" LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alice29 Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 3 guys were stuck on an island. One day, one of the guys found a very old bottle. As he opened the bottle, out popped a genie who granted each of the guys 1 wish. The first guy wished he could go home to his family. Poof, his wish came true and he was back with his family. The second guy wished the same thing, that he could go home to his family. Poof, the second guy was home with his family. The third guy wasnt exactly smart. He looked around the island, feeling kind of lonely. He looked at the genie and said I wish my 2 friends were back on the island again with me. :biggrin: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pjbabia Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 clever!!! Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alice29 Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says, Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes. The man says Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account. Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here. Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, Finally, I want to be irresistible to women. Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates. :rolleyes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pjbabia Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!" LOL... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alice29 Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl said, But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It is physically impossible! she said. Undaunted, the little girl said, Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah. To this, the teacher said, What if Jonah went to hell? The little girl replied, Then YOU ask him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skylady Posted February 23, 2011 Author Share Posted February 23, 2011 Good one, shut her up, I bet !!!'Know it alls' are a pain in the "you know what" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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